In the past year my father has had a parade of aides coming in and out of his life. At one time or another, most have shown up late or not at all. Their training is minimal and it shows. They haven’t been particularly attentive, nor have they been overtly neglectful. Most of them are simply out of their depth. They are all immigrants who received a ridiculously minimal training. And they work for obscenely low wages, with no health insurance. These are not people we are paying cash under the table. They are aides we are getting from certified agencies.
Through an incredible stroke of luck, we have found a truly extraordinary aide. She has grown very attached to my father and regularly goes above and beyond on his behalf. She has stayed late when her replacement hasn’t shown up on time. She knows my father’s likes and dislikes and how to get him to do things that he doesn’t want to do (like exercise). She actively engages him and listens to his stories. And most impressively, she has figured out how to manage my mother’s “quirks.” She makes no more money than the aides who spend the day sitting next to my father watching tv or talking on the phone. She is just everything you would want in someone caring for a parent.
Which is why I was horrified to learn how little money she makes for doing what she does. And how, even with those low wages, working too many hours threatens her access to Medicaid. She knows things will change in January, but no one really knows how that is going to play out, so she’s not counting her chickens yet.
She has an incredibly bright son with a very promising future. He goes to a very prestigious high school and has his eye on an equally prestigious college. His tuition is covered by his school, but she is still responsible for his living expenses. She directs every spare penny to him, her daughter and newborn granddaughter. It would be irresponsible of her not to take a higher paying job should one come along. In a panic, I confirmed that she isn’t looking elsewhere, but it reminded me of what a precarious situation we are all in.
We are more reliant on my father’s aide than she is on us. The only compelling reason for her to stay is her emotional attachment to my father. That attachment is strong and I truly don’t believe she is going anywhere soon. But it does give me pause. We are committed to keeping him at home as long as possible. I see no tenable way for my mother to care for my father without help. In many ways the inconsistent and poor help is more bother than its worth. My brother does all he can, but he already has a full time job and is the primary parents to his twin daughters. That leaves me, who lives 3,000 miles from my parents. I can help with respite coverage, but I would need to move to do much more.
It is times like these that I am convinced we made the right decision to not have children. With children as a complicating factor, even the respite care I can provide wouldn’t happen. I have no idea how only children do it.