Yesterday I was complaining that there is no users manual for grief. We used to default to the 5 stages of grief, but that proved to be based on people’ responses to facing their own death, not coping with the death of others. I’m not saying that there aren’t commonalities between the two responses, just that the 5 stages are not the norm we thought they were for a long time. For more on the topic, read here.
Right now, I feel like I am going through adolescence again. My moods are volatile. One minute I hate the world and the next I am literally in tears because of how great my friends are. I started re-reading Harry Potter at my brother’s house for both distraction and comfort. Right now I am up to The Order of the Phoenix which is the book where Harry is dealing with the worst puberty has to offer. The first few times I read the book, I remember feeling like Harry needed to just get over himself. This time around, I am feeling much more empathetic towards him and his moods.
In my more rational moments, I am ready to get back to work. It has been several weeks since I did any real work and I am missing it. The beauty of loving what I do is that I am eager to get back to it. I took my first steps back into the working world when I met with a client yesterday. It was an easy gig, but it still went better than I had anticipated. I was able to slip back into my old self and feel like a professional again.
Today I am planning on getting myself down to inbox zero. Because I wasn’t doing any triage through shiva, I have hundreds of emails to go through. I suspect I will probably only need to respond to a quarter of what is there, so I should be able to get through it in a single day. And if not, I will just do what I can.
Several people have advised me that over the next few weeks I may have to fake it until I make it. Rationally, I know that I will have days where I won’t feel like getting out of bed or get easily overwhelmed by simple tasks. I also know that when that happens, it is unlikely that I will be feeling particularly rational. Nevertheless, I will have to find a way to find a balance between giving myself permission to grieve and moving forward with my life.