This is another post that I am struggling to write. This is the first time I have been on my computer since mid-February and it feels like it has been ages. As you know, my father’s health has been an issue for years, a couple of weeks ago it took a precipitous turn for the worse.
After a brief stint in the ICU and 30 hours in a hospice care facility, my father left this world on February 13th, 2014. My brother and I were there until about half an hour before he passed. My mother was with him through the end.
As difficult as this process has been/is/will continue to be, there were some blessings. First and foremost, my father was always adamant that he never wanted his dementia to get to the point where he no longer knew who we were. That never happened. Although my father could no longer speak the last few days of his life, he was conscious and listening to everything going on around him. He knew that we were there and that we all loved him.
I have spent the last week at my brother’s house with my mother and uncle sitting shiva for my father. Shiva is designed to create a bubble of community support for the most acute stage of grief.
It was very heartening to see just how strong my brother’s community is and we are all very much appreciative of all of the emotional and practical support (as in food, lots and lots of food) they offered. I am also very grateful for the comforting words from my friends. I had no idea how important they would be to me.
This morning we ended shiva with a walk around the block to symbolize our re-emergence into the world. But, as I am learning, the re-emergence is gradual. Nobody turned off the grief switch. I still feel like my brain is functioning at half speed. The other half seems to be occupied with processing that my father is gone.
As I am sure you have surmised, I was a bit of a daddy’s girl (actually, we called him Abba, which means father in Hebrew). Although I am a fairly functional adult with all of the associated trappings (business, mortgage, etc.) I am not quite sure how to be in this world without my father around. Obviously, losing him was an inevitability, but one I was not prepared for. But, I now have no choice but to learn how to live without him over the next days, weeks, months and years. I know it will be hard, just as I know I will be ok.