Leaving my parents’ house was bittersweet. On the one hand, I am really looking forward to getting a full nights’ sleep tonight. It will be nice to see David after a week. It will be even nicer to get to see my nieces (David’s brother’s daughters) after a year.
On the other hand, I really did enjoy the time I got spend with my father. He is the most relaxed I have seen him decades. First he was withdrawn because he was compensating for undiagnosed hearing loss. Then he struggled against his increasing memory loss. But now he is at a point of acceptance. He knows he is sick (his term, not mine) and that he is easily confused, but there is no resistance to his situation. He has no sense of embarrassment when asking me to explain something more than once. Mostly because he can’t remember that he has already asked me.
This may sound weird, but as hard as it was, I actually enjoyed caring for my father. My father has always been a modest and private person. So I was genuinely touched when he preferred that I help him with things he would have been horribly embarrassed by in the past. His logic? That he has known me longer than he has known his aide. I like to think that it is just another indication of how deep his connection to me is.
It may seem obvious that my father has a deep connection to me. After all, he’s my father, right? But my father has never been a demonstrative person. I don’t recall him ever telling me that he loved me. And hugs? Not really his his repertoire. Like I have said in the past, I never doubted that he loved me. And he certainly had his own ways of showing that he loves me. But a love that, at least this far, has been spared by his dementia? That is something that I intend to cling to for the rest of my life.
The other reason I was so sad to leave is because his awareness changes so quickly. This week, he has had a hard time remembering that I had been there for several days. Last night he was lamenting how sorry he was that he was so tired because we hadn’t gotten to spend any time together. I don’t know how long he will be able to hang on to this visit.
In the past, have spoken to him when he has gotten very agitated and accused me abandoning him by not coming to see him when I was in town. Now I know that is untrue, but that doesn’t make it any easier to have him so angry at me.