I generally consider myself a patient person. Enough so that I am fairly confident that I would make it through the marshmallow experiment without issue. But lately I feel like my patience is really being tested. And I see that as a good thing. I figure the more I am able to determine my limits before the baby shows up in our lives, the better prepared I will be.
I knew the wait for a baby would be hard. I have been with friends during their wait and saw their struggles first hand. But our agency had such an influx of babies for placement this Spring that they set our expectations for a short wait. But then real life intervened. There has not been one baby available to be placed since the beginning of the summer.
I know that this will change. I know that at some point, there will be a baby girl for us to parent. I also know that this could happen tomorrow or 3 months from now.
But in the interim, I have found some new challenges to keep myself occupied. The first is trying to figure out how to answer well-meaning people when they ask if we have children. David simply responds “not yet.” For reasons I still don’t understand, I keep insisting on opening a can of worms and explaining that we are waiting for a baby to be placed with us.
This elicits the usual excitement, which is always nice. But it has also led to some awkward exchanges. For example, I have been told by one woman not to take the first child offered. I tried to explain that open adoption doesn’t really work that way, but I am fairly sure that my explanation won’t change her attitude or advice on adoption.
The second was being told about a family who had adopted two children and had a third “of their own.” I know the woman sharing the story didn’t mean to suggest that the two children who had been adopted were perceived as less than the couple’s biological child. Regardless, I felt compelled to explain why that language was potentially hurtful to all of the members of that family.
I am not a fan of PC language for the sake of political correctness. But, I do try to be careful with my language. I know from firsthand experience how hurtful language can be. But these recent experiences remind me that despite the number of adoptive families in my life, I may very well have, with the best of intentions, said some things that were hurtful to these people that I care deeply about. And for that, I would like to apologize for any hurt I may have caused in the past.
I don’t want the take-home from this post to be people tip-toeing around me on the subject of adoption. I want people to ask me questions and share their stories. What I am asking is that people be open to a conversation on the subject of adoption. A conversation where they are open to hearing ways to possibly make their language less hurtful. And that they understand that any suggestions I make are meant to educate and are not judgments. And most importantly, to understand that I am only speaking on behalf of myself. Because all families are unique.