One of the well known aspects of the adoption process is that it involves a lot of paperwork. This weekend David and I completed the long personal narrative questionnaire. The questions were pretty much what you would expect, until I got to the one asking me to describe myself. I was surprised to discover that the question included a request to describe my personal appearance. That one kind of threw me through a loop.
How should I describe myself? Do I describe the image of my body that I carry around in my mind? Do I answer with the image I would like others to have of me? Do I present both images? How much of my own body image issues do I want to share with the social worker who is the ultimate gatekeeper between us and the adoptive parent pool?
There are many reasons that David and I have decided that we only want to adopt a girl. But one of the scariest aspects (to me) of adopting a daughter is the prospect of adolescence. I am not actually that worried* about the inevitable mood swings or being told that I am the worst parent in the world. I figure that just comes with the territory. And since most of our friends with children are a few years ahead of us, I will be able to glean wisdom from their experiences. What really scares me is teaching my daughter to have a positive body image.
Children learn best when their parents model appropriate behavior. And more than anything, I want my child to feel comfortable in her own skin. But I would be lying if I said that I have a positive body image. I definitely have good days where I am comfortable being me. But, to be honest, I have more bad than good days. My worst days are the one where I wake up in a positive space and my sense of self plummets after a glance in the mirror or seeing a “perfect” woman on one of my walks.
I have already come face to face with the uphill challenge I face from my niecelettes. One of my niecelettes regularly asks me why I am so fat. Believe it or not, I am actually ok with that. I am ok with it because she doesn’t ask it with any sense of judgment and I know it is not meant as an insult. It is just a simple question of fact. The problem is coming up with an appropriate answer. So far I have been sticking to a variant of “I am just built this way.” I tell her that I eat a fairly healthful diet, filled with fruits and vegetables, treats in moderation and walk 3-5 miles most days. But the real answer is so much more complicated than that.
What I really want to tell her is that it isn’t about fat or thin, but about being a strong, healthy woman who has the self confidence to be who she wants to be. I want to tell her that she is one of the kindest and most caring human beings I know and that because of that, she will always be beautiful. But she isn’t growing up in a bubble and she is already internalizing the societal pressure to be thin. And the prospect of my 7 year old niecelette beginning to travel down the road of self loathing literally causes me physical pain.
But I am not giving up. If modeling a positive self-image to my niecelettes and future daughter means that I need to do the work to deal with my own poor self-image, then sign me up. Because I am committed to doing whatever I can to offset any negative messages any of them receive through the media, their classmates or their family. I know it is a bit of a quixotic battle, but one that is well worth fighting.
*Easy for me to say now. Please don’t hold that comment against me when I come crying to you in 12 or so years because it is so hard to have a teenager in the house. Just put it down to my naiveté.