As part of my personal observance of sheloshim (the 30 days after my father’s burial) I have chosen not to listen to music or watch TV (that includes Hulu) or movies. While I am permitting myself to listen to NPR during this period, so far I have chosen not to.
These past three weeks my world has been much quieter than usual and that has created space for me to notice other things. I’m finding that my mind skips around a lot when I limit the external stimuli. Earworms come and go. Long forgotten memories of my father have been rising to the surface. I am also finding myself thinking a lot about my high school best friend Rachel, who we all lost to cancer over a year ago. The combination is bringing me back to my teenage years and the intensity of that period in my life.
There are also moments where my mind just feels still. This is very unusual for me and I really enjoy them. They are like little pauses in my day, a time when I get to just check out of the world around me.
When I walk around our neighborhood, I usually listen to music, news or a podcast. Until now, I had not realized how much my focus turns inwards when I am listening to something while I walk. Walking in “silence” feels a little like Dorothy walking out of her black and white house into all of the colors of Munchkinland. I am much more aware of the details of people, animals, cars and houses around me. I normally keep tabs on the cars around me for safety reasons. But now I seem to be noticing the make and color of the cars going by me (which is totally out of character for those who don’t know me well).
I have also been driving in silence. That is a completely new experience for me. Normally I have something, anything playing while I drive. And to make matters even harder, we have a free trial of Sirius XM radio that expires before the end of sheloshim. And I love, love, love the First Wave channel on Sirius XM. Maybe it is because I know it is only for a set period, but I am even enjoying driving in silence.
In fact, I am finding the quiet somewhat addicting, but I don’t want to get too used to it because it feels like it might be a hard habit to break. And it is a habit that also has a great deal of impact on David. He has been great about not turning on the TV, but I suspect he will be more than ready to comes the end of sheloshim.